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10. I had an
offer I couldn't refuse.
While this excuse is of course completely unbelievable because
all the paddlers in the group are over 40 and thus virtually
impotent, it has crept into this list through repeated use by
one recidivist paddler. Despite now reputedly being in a
stable long term relationship, this excuse is incredibly still
being offered and may last forever in the top ten.
9. I had a
big night on the turps last night. This should ordinarily
be number one in any list being the only one that is probably
true!! However, amongst such a crop of elite athletes, an
admission like this could permanently ruin selection in the
top team. In fact this excuse only made it into the top ten
because the user was so good he could get away with it!!
8. I had a
heart attack and had to go to hospital.
Having been
based on an actual incident, this has become a recent
favourite and seems to gain currency every year around sprints
time. However it must be noted that it is really only good for
one use after which the user would be expected to up and die!!
7. My Car had
a flat battery. Technology has advanced where powered
flight is possible using penlight batteries. It is therefore
absolutely astonishing that in an era when cars have never
been more reliable that this lame excuse is really expected to
fly!! Yet some paddlers seem to have car batteries that are
weaker than Golden Master Women!!
6. I had to
paint my house. Once a popular excuse, this old favourite
seems to be slipping in popularity as it “dawns” on the user
that daylight saving has rendered painting a house at 5.30
a.m. a near impossibility for the last four decades!! And
everyone but him knows that.
5 My paddling
gear was in my wife's car which was at the garage. A
derivative of excuse number 4, this excuse shows a degree of
invention if no more authenticity or believability.
4. My paddling
gear was in my car which was at the garage. Having not
dawned on the paddler that due to miracle of telephones it is
possible to get a lift to training (and to borrow paddling
gear), it continues to be put forward and is a popular
favourite. But how many modern families really only own one
car??? And how many modern cars really break down (other than
Fords !!) Ask yourself, would you really try this excuse at
home?.
3. I could not
find my paddle. There are really only 2 paddlers who
have used this excuse and such is their consummate ability to
lose paddles of all shapes and sizes that it has actually been
believed. And the frequency of lost paddles has meant that
this excuse has found its way to number 3 in the excuse list
for 2006!!
2. I had an
early start at work. It is absolutely unbelievable that
anyone could expect paddlers to believe that work is more
important than Grizzlie training, yet this hoary old veteran
of an excuse continues to hold firmly onto number two for a
record 11th time.
1. My alarm
clock did not go off!! For the 13th year in
succession this old favourite remains at number one. Even a
brain damaged chimpanzee can set an alarm clock! And in the
remote possibility that when going to bed you are more
impaired by alcohol than a brain damaged chimp, it is possible
to install a very reliable back up system. All you need to do
is just gently awaken your wife as you collapse into bed and
she will be delighted to check the alarm clock to ensure that
you will be up in time for paddling!!
Other excuses
that did not make the list or were were not put forward
because they were all such blatant lies -
1.
I think I ate a
bad custard square.
2.
The ferry did not
leave from Great Barrier Island because of bad weather
3.
My dog ate my
training programme.
4.
My brother did not
come round to wake me up.
5.
I have recently
turned cross dresser and my any pink paddling lycra pants were
in the wash.
6.
I did not come to
paddling because I am an old grumpy pants and did not want to
hurt the feelings of my fellow paddlers
7.
Edwin Richards
has developed an advanced paddler training programme and I am
very afraid.
8.
Ben Finau told me
he was under 100kg and I died laughing.
9.
Somebody
put Kryptonite in my undies and I have temporarily lost my
superpowers.
10.
I slept
in . ( No-one would ever believe
that!!)
Happy Paddling
in 2007
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